Okay, this is a try at non-rhyming poetry. I hope that the rhythm is okay, but personally, I like my rhyming poems better....
~WALLPAPER~
I stood in a hallway
And glanced all around.
Where was I?
There was a knife in my hand
And a gash in the wall,
What had I done?
I heard footsteps coming
This wasn’t my house….
Why was I here?
The paper on the wall
Was torn and peeling.
Had I done this?
I heard voices—
I took it all in.
Why had I made them so mad?
I must have broke in
I don’t know how or why!
Why didn’t I remember?
I saw a blue uniform
Felt a hand grab my arm.
Would I go to jail?
I was taken away
Now a new criminal.
What was I thinking?
Maybe someone had drugged me
And forced me to do it.
Was there any other way I would’ve agreed?
I was in very deep trouble
For something I didn’t mean to do.
Had I just cut into the wall, or did I do something else?
I was so confused
So helplessly angry.
Why did this happen to me?
I knew that it wasn’t my fault
Someone had made me do this.
Did I hurt anyone?
I was taken to a trial
Still oddly unknowing.
Why did they judge me guilty?
I was sent to prison
But they said only for a month.
So was it not too bad?
They showed me a video—
All I had done was break in and cut the wall!
Why is that worth thirty days of time?
I didn’t know anything about it,
And didn’t know what to do.
What could I do besides sit there in jail?
But as I thought about the video they’d gave me
I found maybe one reason for what I had done.
But was it really reason enough?
Well, I really hated that wallpaper.
Tell me if this was confusing to you, because it's a lot less obvious than I hoped, and I think that it gets kind of confusing and that the ending doesn't make sense really. I had liked the end when I came up with the poem, but when I put it on there I didn't think much of it. Any suggestions or comments? Do you like this better than my rhyming poems or not? Thanks for reading and thanks for your comments.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,855 Reviews
Hey
I like this poem, but it just seems like a story in stanza form. I feel as if you could make it flow more.
T
It might just be me, but "all" seems very unnecessary and in my opinion, makes it sound a bit awkward.
If indeed it is wallpaper, then I think it would be a gash on the wall, unless you cut the wall itself, which most people can't do...
In all my writing, I try to avoid the phrases "I heard" and "I saw" etc. It's obvious that you heard the footsteps, otherwise you wouldn't mention them at all. So maybe take out "I heard" and replace it with a good descriptive adjective. Everybody loves adjectives. Ex. "Rapid Footsteps grew louder"
There's that nasty "I heard" again. I find it very unnecessary because as stated before, it's obvious that you heard it. I suggest replacing it with some real sensory detail. Ex. Voices rang in my ears
I'm fairly sure that "broke" should be "broken". You also changed the tenses; you've been saying "was" and "didn't" but now you have "don't" which is present tense when it should be past tense: didn't.
I just realized that the repetition of "I heard" and "I saw" might have been a significant pattern of the poem, but seeing as you already have the question repetition at the end of each stanza, I still agree with my former conclusion, "I saw" and "I heard" are not necessary.
Now, I dont' know about you, but when I think of blue uniform, I think of a mailman, not a policemen. While the way you have it is fine, I might suggest a clearer sign of identification of the policemen such as a badge or handcuffs.
The word "new" seems to make that line awkward and wordy. I'd take it out, but then again, that's me.
That last line kills me. In my opinion, it's too long and I had to read it a couple of times to get what you were trying to say. I think if you just said "Was there any other way", it would substantial.
I agree with BigBadBear, this one seems a little...off. Maybe take out "very" and adjust the third line. "Had I merely damaged the wall, or had I done something more?" sound much better, though I think the line overall is a little long.
A line such as "I stood before the jury" would be much more effective verses "I was taken to a trial".
"they said" makes it kinda wordy. Why not just "But only for a month"? And the last line, what is "it"? It is unclear to what you are referring. Maybe something like "Did I get off easy?"
"The video" sounds much more significant.
I think you should make the second line much more specific. Ex. I had simply broken in and slashed the wall paper!
You switched tenses again, "Why was that worth thirty days of time?"
Perfect opportunity for imagery! Suppose you put "What could I do besides rot in jail?"
"But as I pondered the video they'd shown me" is less wordy and more accurate. I think the cops showed you video, I really don't think they gave it to you.
And last but no least, your ending line is fabulous, but maybe a formatting change:
"Well.
I really hated that wallpaper."
I have to say, this poem was simple and to the point with a quaint ending. It was a terrific idea, I just think you could have presented it more clearly and with better language. Still, I admire how you portrayed the confusion and helplessness of the victim. Remember to work on diction and keeping the rhythm of the poem. Nice work.
To be honest, I couldn't really get myself to finish this. It wasn't that your intentions weren't good...it was just the way that you gave it out like that. The questions got a little annoying and it seemed just a tad cheesy. It was too vague for me. I think that your idea is great though. What I would do is, minimize your number of questions, work on imagery, and show us...don't tell us. Sorry if this doesn't help at all. PM me if you have any questions or need help with anything!
~Rieda
Hi,
I liked this poem. It was very interesting and different. I didn't get why he did it at the beginning, i liked how, (no offense) it was a stupid reason, because he hated wall paper, I don't know if that was meant to be funny, but it was funny to me. It was very unique, I never read anything like that before.
My favorite stanzas are:
1.
and 2.
Very good poem. Well written
-lg*
I liked this poem. I liked how you wrote to lines then wrote a question at the end. Keep writing unrhymed poems and rhymed.
Quite good, if a little stale. I just found that there wasn't much meat to it, so by the time the ending came, I didn't care too much. It doesn't seem that realistic either - I think you need to find a reason for him not remembering what he'd done, seeing as the main thing you had the reader concentrate on throughout the poem was his amnesia. The questions at the end of each sentence have to be answered at the end, of course.
Hey!!
Well, this was really good. It caught my attention easily, and I was only a little unsure of what you meant, but in the end I understood it.
This seems like a very immature stanza. (not that I'd be one to talk) But I would take out 'very deep' and find something else. Also, 'or did I do something else?' I would change to 'or had I done something else'?
Well, Teh Wozzilantor (sp?) this was really fantastic. I loved the last line. Maybe just a little more description, though I don't know how you would add it...
This was really good! Please continue!
BBB